I am moving!

Yes! I mean this blog is moving. Lock, stock and barrel.

It’s been a hard decision. I loved WordPress. I mean really really loved it. But I had issues with some of the functionality I wanted to put in like a Sitemap or an Archives page and eventually decided to create a space for myself on the web.

As with any move, there are a lot of associated memories, issues and rewards. I hope all of you will come along and help me along the way.

Please change your bookmarks, blogroll links if you have any to point to

http://www.lakshmusings.com

See you all at my new home.

Perceptions maketh the person

No. I am not all that literary. I just think saying stuff like that will make me look like one.  The reason for this morning muse is that my best friend Akay posted a recipe on her blog yesterday. One that takes tons of patience and an abiding love for the kitchen. From my viewpoint of course.

I read through the steps and drooled over the accompanying pictures while my mind was suspended in disbelief. Here was a person whom in my mind was a pampered child. Someone who had tea bought to her in the hostel. One who’s hair I braided most days. One whom I had to push and prod to get her to get up and get to work. One for whom I felt an affection akin to my sister. Someone with whom I did not usually associate terms like patience, creativity and the like. No offense meant. I just thought of her as very technical, hardworking and more of a go getter outside the home.

It has been years since we last met each other. We are in touch most days and my mental image of her is stuck to the person I knew ten years back. In the meanwhile life happened. We got married, are well on our route in our chosen careers, are responsible homeowners and have our distinct circle of friends. So, when something trivial as a recipe brought out the stark contrast in my mental image of her and the image of her that her blog showcased all I could do was think about it. So think I did. All evening and today morning.

Its all in the perception you see. It does not matter who the real person is. It is how I perceive them that counts. Is this what they call “Maya”?

Notes from an ex-addict

Passing by the kitchen at work used to be an ordeal for me a few weeks back when I was a newbie suffering withdrawal symptoms from giving up kaapi. It struck me pleasantly as I passed it today that it did not affect me as much. Standing by the coffeemaker to fill my tall glass of water from the filter, each day the image of Bruce from Nemo smelling Dori’s blood used to flit past my eyes. I would feel the urge to pick up half a cup, may be even just a sip of coffee for old times sakes. But I resolutely shrugged it off and came back to desk. Every single day these six weeks.

Today I realized I was slowly but surely edging towards the ex-addict side. Chances of my relapsing into addiction again were a teeny weeny bit lower. I could look forward to the day when I can say No to coffee when someone lovingly offers some.

Much as all this is happening, I can still not think of it as a vile drink or vilify it. I look at it more like a necessary evil. One for which I have no need now. I used to hate it when K referred to it like it was the devil. I still do.  But it is hard to ignore the changes in my system after I came clean. No acid reflux, better digestion and definitely better sleep at night.

In some ways I wonder if this sends a message to me to review my other ‘habits’ and take the steps to detox?

The Great Indian Debate

Late yesterday evening we had a pleasant surprise. A good friend who had relocated to India was back in the area and stopped by for a couple of hours of chit chat and dinner. As we covered local gossip and work related news we took our plates and sat down for a home cooked meal of roti dal and chawal. The question simmering in my mind all evening sneaked out. “Do you miss anything ever about life in the U.S. after having moved back?” I queried.

There are a significant pause before he answered. I could see the faraway look in his eyes. I could hear his mental wheels whirring. He smiled as he said this. “Well! there are things we miss. But I look at the children happy and secure in the love of their grandparents and cousins and I know the decision was right.” These are not his exact words but the gist of what he said as I remember it.

I loved the way he smiled talking about it and how much at peace he was with his decision and life now. As we covered his professional life and how he transitioned from a tech guy to being a manager we heard about long hours and the chaotic traffic. We also heard about the happiness that comes from handling responsibility in a growing and thriving niche company, the kind of happiness that comes from having family close by and the peace of mind that comes from parents knowing their children are close at hand should they need them.

As we waved bye and went back to our chores my mind was still stuck with the one question that refused to go away. What would it take for me/us to make that decision? What held me here? What pulled me there? Would it be ever possible for me to be at peace with whatever decision I/We  choose to take? No matter how much we beat this topic to death at home I guess I will know only when I cross that invisible line and get on the plane to go back home. So long as I refer to India as back home the questions will remain.

An apple a day…

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. If the doctor is smart put the apple away.

So went a comic take on the classic proverb when I was at college. As I turned on the ignition of my car at the parking lot of my primary care physician yesterday afternoon, I muttered to myself “Oh! I love my doctor!”. The intensity of my emotion surprised me. It is not often that I acknowledge people like my doctor or my teller as people I like rather than as professionals doing their job.

On my drive back to work, my mind went back to the first doctor I ever remembered. A Dr Prakash in SB colony in Coimbatore. After that there were many doctors I have been to none came close to usurping the family doctor image that Dr Prakash held. Till yesterday. I formally replaced him with my primary care physician here.

Other than the fact that an appointment with him meant a wait of an hour at the minimum, I have no gripes. In fact, I look forward to the infrequent visits to the doctor office. I like chatting with the nurse, thumbing through those issues of People that I look at in the grocery store but do not buy. Watching other people in the waiting room wondering why they were there. Most of all I love that my doctor when he walks in to the room looks me in the eye with a twinkle. I half expect him to tell me to help myself to candy at the reception as I leave. I like his firm handshake. I love that he looks like the epitome of health. He does look like he is in the pink of health. I love the way he patiently looks through my entire file and revisits old issues and asks with concern if all is well. He asks after my family. About my mom, bro, sis and husband. He makes me feel human and takes the time to instill in me a trust that is not easily won. I feel comfortable talking to him about my mental health and physical issues knowing he will not laugh at me. End of the day I am impressed with the fact that he takes his time with the patients and makes me believe he enjoys his job.

Now, do we really need to buy so many apples?

My first blog award ever! Yayy!!

Akay of Lemon and Chillies thinks I deserve a Nice Matters Award. According to her this award is given for the following reason.

“Nice Matters Award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world.”

Of course am thrilled to bits. Not to say honored and touched.  It is nice to know that I keep this blog going is appreciated Being the attention hog that I am, this of course deserves a special post of its own.

I would love to pass this on to others who have been my inspiration and friends over the years. So, here goes. Akay (I know you sent it to me but you get it right back!), UL, SK, SmallTalk, Apar, Ramki, Roop Rai, Rads,Srividya, Rupa, Prabhu, Ammani, Anamika, Spillay, GoGo, ShortIndianGirl.

The Art of Praying

I ambled down the stairs awake but not quite alert and paused for a brief moment before my ’swami ull’ or praying space. I light a pair of oil lamps daily first thing after I am done brushing my teeth and before I treat myself to a steaming cup of tea. Today I felt lazy. I wondered if God would mind. Before waiting for a response from my Inner Voice I went ahead with my ritual anyways. As I opened the door to the cupboard that housed my divine treasures a feeling of remorse overcame me.

Why was I bargaining at all? Its not like someone is going to take me to task. As I stood there debating my decisions I realized my relationship with God had come a long way. A long way indeed from the days when I wanted Her to make me slim instantly. Or pleaded with Her to ensure I grazed the passing score in Hindi exams. Over time the requests for instant gratification were slowly replaced with more realistic pleas like let me be happy all the time or let everyone in the world be happy and peaceful. Depending on the severity of my mental agonies I would demand that my pleas were met or leave the option up to Her.

Of late however all I think of is wishing her a cheery Good Morning and hope she has a day better than mine.  Funny how our perspective of God changes with time. In my mind She has morphed from an inaccessible colorful bedecked form to somewhat of an alter ego.

So a prayer has gone from being a prayer to more of a dialogue.

The Story of Stuff - Massive Fodder for Thought!

It is not always I get forwards that I bookmark to re-read later or spend more time on it. Today was one such day. A friend I hear from occasionally sent me a link to a teaser video. It looked a a topical glance like a cartoon. Wait. It even had a live girl talking about something. Since I had the volume muted I decided to come back to it later.

So, after dinner was over and I curled up on the recliner with the laptop warming my feet and did my cursory rounds of Sitemeter and WordPress and went back to my email. I pulled the link I had bookmarked and started the show. K was busy solving Math Olympiad problems. Something about the short movie hooked his interest and the next twenty minutes went past in a flash. We were so captivated, horrified and engaged in the story that was being told. Just that it is not a story. It is the Story of Stuff. It is the truth of our lives.

I am yet to decide how or what K and I are going to do to get involved. We follow many of the common sense suggestions Annie has on her website. Yet the onus is on us as people of a generation that can take charge. The generation that can leave the world a better place than it found it.

In our pursuit of bigger homes, fancier computers, seasonal clothes, monstrous cars we have become a huge part of the equation. It all ties in with an earlier discussion here on this blog about going back to Nature and completing this Circle of Life. Here are some things each of us can adopt in our everyday lives to be part of this movement. To leave a bit of this beautiful planet we are on for our children and grandchildren.

I urge each of you that meanders in here and reads this post to take 20 minutes of your time and watch the whole video. Take the time to absorb the message and incorporate it into your own lives. More importantly, if you feel the urgency and the importance of the message pass it on.

We can be the agent of change. We will.

Waiting room musings

As I sat in the rather small waiting room of my hospital’s out patient lab I could not help muse about the behaviors of people when forced to share space with totally unknown strangers for a fair amount of time. When I took my seat after handing in my paperwork I saw there were about ten people already there. Some held magazines they were thumbing through. Some were couples. Some old, some young and one who was pregnant. As each person took turns looking at their hands, the clock, the magazine and each other in randomly varying intervals I decided to play a game while I waited. As the lady came in and announced the name, before the person stood up, I would try to match the name with the individual. I was thrilled when I got it right twice in a row. I must have smiled to myself because out of the blue the lady next to me got all chatty. Before I knew it I was getting way more information on why her partner was in need of a blood draw this early in the morning. I was just warming up and getting to tell her why I was there when I heard my name being butchered. Once again.

Five minutes later arm bandaged I was waving a bye to the cheerful lady and on my way to work. Its occasions like these that let me experience things in perspective. How I am just a speck in the teeming millions that inhabit earth. At home, work or in the midst of people I know I seem to feel a larger than life importance. In the middle of unknown strangers is when I feel who I really am.

Strange huh?

Epiphany - A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.

This word has fascinated me many times. I heard it used by many people. I never quite got what it meant. Till yesterday. I had an epiphany. It feels good saying that.

I have to go back a bit to explain what I feel. Over the years there have been many things I have craved, coveted and even obsessed about. Stuff like finding a soulmate. (I actually was very into Richard Bach and his concept of soulmates at some point in my past.) Getting married. Pursuing a Masters. Finding a job. Finding a job I felt happy at. Putting down roots where I live now. The list is endless. Fairly recent to this list of pursuits is/was the pursuit of motherhood. I know I have referred to this in other posts. In a mostly sad way. In a sense of despair. In a sense of hope-less-ness.

Sometime over the evening yesterday I had about an hour of quiet time. The kind of twilight zone where thoughts are suspended. Where everything moves in slow motion inside you. I could in some sense see my life flash past me. The concept of life, love and every other feeling in between seemed crystallized for those few moments. I wondered as thousands before me have wondered. About the meaning of life. About the meaning of this life. About what after all this. No. I don’t think I was undergoing some kind of mid life crisis. It just was that kind of a solitude and the time of day.

I thought a lot about my tenacious way of clinging to things I want. In an obsessive compulsive way. Where I sometimes lose track of what I am pursuing in the heat of the pursuit. I wondered what it would be like to just accept. Acceptance. Just learning to be as is. Just carry on with life as is. Without actively expecting something to happen. Without expecting some future plan or action to bring me happiness or contentment. About consciously choosing to do nothing. To not expect anything to happen.

I just feel/felt free knowing I could choose to remain this way. By actively choosing this life over any alternate path my life could lead gives me some measure of control over my feelings. It feels great just knowing that.

May be it is an epiphany. May be this is something I will read a few days from now and wonder what the crap was I thinking. Whatever I eventually choose to do I hope this is the moment I will come back to and know I changed my life as I see it now.

Home sweet home

No! Am not returning from some exhausting errand to feel that way about my home. All am doing is being comfortably rooted in my recliner typing away softly on my laptop with all the phones on silent mode. I can hear my mom tiptoe gently around my fast asleep niece. The smell of wholesome kootu and rasam envelops the home.

As I pause between sending emails related to work and wondering if I should take a quick break before I started on my next task it strikes me how peaceful the whole atmosphere is. Is is any wonder that “work at home” is a coveted option?

Waking up a tad later knowing I will not have to rush to work. Plonking myself down on the recliner in my PJ’s with the laptop all set for work. The view of my backyard providing occasional relief. The whole package is very inviting. Home sweet home indeed!

A tag and some ramblings

Spillay of A Pot of Gold has tagged me. This is what she wants me to do.

A. List 5-10 things that you have in common with the human race and/or nature.

B. List 5-10 things that you may have in common with the human race and/or nature.

Honestly reading it for the first time I was not sure there was a difference between the first and the second. I cheated and looked at the things she had listed and had an “Aaha” moment. Though I still am not sure if what I list relates to the question, I will go ahead and make an attempt.

List 5-10 things that you have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1. I have the same physical and anatomical structure as most of human kind. In the sense I have sense organs, I have red blood running inside me, I have 206 bones etc.

2. I eat when I am hungry and sleep when my eyes close off on their own

3. I can think. (There is ample evidence of it )

4. I have emotions

5. I cover myself with clothes

List 5-10 things that you may have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1. I cry when I am upset

2. I have common sense

3. I stop to enjoy the rain or to smell a wayside flower

4. I prefer talking to watching TV

5. I love surprises

Doing this tag made me think. Really I mean it. When I was looking for similarities with humankind at a macro level, all I could come up with was differences. Reasons why I was different from this huge mass of humankind. Other than the obvious physical structure, biological similarities and related things I could not really think of myself as one with the world. It shamed me. Is there any wonder that there is so much strife  in this world? I have considered myself peace loving by most accounts yet if I had to struggle so hard to find things in common that made me like everyone else it either points to a huge ego problem or a lack of understanding of what the question really is.

Thanks spillay for tagging me. I have food for thought for the rest of the day at least.

I’d definitely like to tag all my readers. Seriously. I would love to see how each person puts a different spin on the same question(s). Let me know if you do take this up.

Fond remembrances of Raghuvaran - Rest in peace.

It is rare that cine celebrities make a profound impact on me. There does exist a few of them. Years ago when veteran Sivaji Ganesan passed away my FIL said he observed a moment of silence to honor the departed soul. I found is odd yet fascinating that someone who has no real connection to our lives can have such an impact.

Today I was faced with such a moment. I read that the Tamil actor Raghuvaran passed away. A year short of 50 he passed away of a cardiac failure. In some sense like my dad. I remember him in many movies and felt he was a very natural actor. His performances always moved me for better or worse. One of those people I always counted on to add a different dimension to the role he played. So today hearing he passed away made me stop my work, take a moment to think of him and pray for his soul to rest in peace.

This is my ode to a man who excelled at what he did. Rest in Peace Raghu.

Good Morning! Rise and Shine!!!

This is exactly how I woke my little sister up today morning. Far from the usual grudging and sleepy response, I think I shocked her into getting up. A few minutes later she called back and wanted to know if I was always this bubbly in the morning. She said it was shocking!

I am not sure if am always that bubbly but chances are more often than not, I wake up with a smile even if a groggy one. I am a bundle of energy when it comes to waking other people up. Unlike a few others I know, I do not even feel a remote sense of guilt in shaking people out of their slumber.

Its not that I am up early always but when I do get up of my own volition I am a happy camper.  It seems to me that the day is more enjoyable and I have this sense of looking forward to things. Even stuff like going to work. So here I am sitting and merrily typing away my joy at being up early and bringing a ray of sunshine into my sister’s life today.

Good Morning everybody!!

Unlearning a lifetime of lessons

The past few weeks have meant a lot of introspection for me. About so many things I have not really given great thought to. With my Masters program out of the way, I have way too much time on my hands and have been reading up on how to keep myself healthy without resorting to crash diets or working out every single day. I know this sounds oxymoronish.

I am not the kind of person who enjoys working out. Once am on the treadmill I will keep at it because of some internal limit I set myself. Much as I want this to be something I love doing, it is not happening. Same thing with food. I enjoy food. Period.

So, reducing portion sizes of the foods I love comes with a huge damage to my psyche. I do it for weeks and may be even months and then one day I break down. Give it all up and go back to my unhealthy eating habits.

I am at a point in my life where I honestly want to initiate a change. A change for the better. To that end, I have been reading. Reading a lot. At the end of it all, the conclusion I have come to is that most of what I eat is not good for me by any stretch of imagination. It means I have to clear out my perceptions about food. Rework my relationship with it and work on adopting a new way of life without it feeling like a chore. It means things like giving up white sugar completely. Swapping portions of white rice for whole grains. Making a sincere attempt to include greens and proteins at every meal. It also means I have to plan my meals ahead of time. To ensure I put conscious thought into what goes into my mouth and that of K by extension.

Embarking on this mission feels like a huge challenge. One that has a greater chance of failure than of success. Somehow saying it aloud makes me want to prove myself right. To make it work and to enjoy life without worrying about diets, portion sizes and exercise for the sake of exercise. To change my attitude with respect to food and walking. To incorporate it as a part of my life. To make it akin to breathing or sleeping. Things I do without being cognizant of it.

It’s a tall order but I believe I am ready for the change.